Sé leal a tu gente

En mi más tierna juventud, prácticamente estuve solo.

Fuera de casa, mi único espacio seguro, hubo un tiempo en el que no tenía a nadie. Una época en la que tuve que resistir con mi propia fuerza de voluntad y nada más.

En esa época, aunque yo no me diera cuenta, me juré a mí mismo que si encontraba gente junto a la cual estar en pie ante y mirando frente a frente al mismo fin del mundo, no les traicionaría mientras me quedara una gota de sangre en el cuerpo.

Ese es el único principio que ha regido mi vida durante los últimos ocho años, la única norma por la que todavía rijo mi día a día. Menos de una docena de personas a las que no tracicionaría por absolutamente nada de este mundo o cualquier otro.

Por eso, cuando llega el día en el que hago algo que mi mente considera traición, no puedo estar tranquilo hasta que confieso mi pecado y empiezo mi penitencia por mucho que me cueste y sin importar lo mucho que tarde en ganarme la redención.

Porque da igual si aquel contra quien cometo mi ofensa perdona y olvida, o si incluso jamás llega a hacerlo. Yo no olvido mis pecados. Soy incapaz. Mi propio subconsciente me atormenta día a día hasta que llegue mi final, tras haber cargado toda mi vida con esos actos producto de unos impulsos que debería haber aprendido a controlar hace muchos años.

Nero.

Double duck

January the 15th, somewhere far away from my desk at home.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the voices. Peolpe talking all the time, asking or ordering you to do something, asking questions, demanding answers, asking your opinion, questioning on your opinions, or just some chitty-chat.

With time, one ends up praying for some time off every now and then.

In a day like this, I knew in every inch of my body that I would need it. But life gives no breaks. You have to take them yourself, or you eventually get crushed.

So that is what I did today. I disappeared for four or five hours, just so that my brain and ears could be silent, in peace.

When I came back, the world was still turning, the voices still shouting, the sky still above, the sea still blue.

An old habit that I won't let go easily, the disappearing act.

Nero.

I-I-MMXIV

First things first: I have different names for my different faces, or major moods, or whatever you want to call it. For my serious, darker side, I have a name I gave to myself, the one I consider the real one, the one that is in control of me most of the time.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, in a manner of speaking. While people find me more or less weird, there has been no consensus whatsoever on if I am just a bit disoriented or completely insane. Recently I came upon this answer to that: I am not as insane as you believe, but I am crazier than what you're afraid of. While most of my full smiles are fake, the half smiles are completely honest on this: I am planning to laugh at you (internally or on the outside) or I am already, about some joke I might have not even though of yet. Few people understand the way I think, even fewer bother to try and understand it.

This goes on. I know I am not perfect, as nobody is. I worry too much about things that do not deserve the attention, and on the other hand, I worry or care too little for actually transcendental matters. Nevertheless, I stand by my choices, because I had reasons for making them, reasons I believed on in the past and I still do now.

This means that I have no intention of changing who I am, what I do, or why I do what I do. This means that I will live my life by my principles, because that is what my conscience asks me to do, in order to feel like a decent man. I am aware that people will criticize my decisions, calling me a fool, but I strongly believe that a man who betrays himself is of no worth at all. It is however, impossible for me not to care at all, since that would mean being blind to everything else, and that is one of the biggest mistakes that can be done. But I know this: I would rather live proud of my choices and criticised by everybody else than the other way around.