From 0 To 19

Once in a while, I like to walk through my memories. There, I meet past versions of myself, which are so similar and so different to each other at the same time.

I always star from the very beginning. My earliest self I can meet is 3 or 4, going to school. Not a complex kid.

Some years later, I remember 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 all going to a school on the top of a small mountain. They enjoyed going for a walk, even if it was in the school playground. Always a loner. That trail would mark me forever.

Then, I usually jump to the bullied 13. A smart, unlucky kid. He lacked the guts, however.

Now is when things get darker.

I remind 14 as troublesome. He got into trouble at school, but could have been worse. But problems didn't end there. Most of the people he regarded as friends, well, he later guessed they did not share his opinion. So, 14, at a very tough age, had to find new people to hang out with.

I've always considered 15 a transition year. Even though school was then harder than ever before, he was not alone. There was a whole world outside waiting for him. He rarely talked about it at school, however. It was his secret weapon to keep his heart warm and beating.

Now, 16. Sweet 16. End of a hard road, beginnning of a hopeful highway. A road that ended with a trip. 16 brought from there a souvenir that has accompanied us ever since. After that, a new school year began. New people. Some new teachers. Second chance. 16 caught it mid-air without thinking it twice. He made new friends. He was not a loner anymore.

17 was a year of new experiences. He began drinking, a summer longer than ever, the summer camp far from home, the second week of August. Sweet. Autumm, 17 spent it on the hook. Not that sweet. Following a friend's example, he began writing down what he had in mind. We all have the habit. In New Years Eve he cut the rope of the hook, breaking free. A rebirth.

18 was as dark as the night. Still quite foolish in certain issues, but indeed dark. He gave himself a new name, one he chose, instead of using one of those names people invented for him. He was the first to notice the darkness we all have carried inside, from 0 to me. He made sea-bathing a monthly habit, thus becoming quite resistent to cold. Atumm was a tough season, again. Mid-Autumm, he had to cut the rope of the hook again. One of the hardest things he has ever done. New people in college. A harder winter. A loner again. Travelling all around the city, making her his silent companion. He became a heavier drinker.

19. That's me. As the ones who came before, and the ones who will come after me, I will only last a year. Intense year, by the way. Let's dream for a happy ending, the first of many.

Good luck for 20 and the ones following,

19